walk with me (final installment)

Here are a few last stories I wanted to tell about the amazing people who helped me survive the worst of my illness. These stories tell me I am loved and that there is beauty that makes this world worth living in. I wish for the same kind of beauty in your life, dear reader, and also that you could be that beauty for someone who can see only ugly just now.

* * *

-Daddy, I just don't know how to live anymore.
I'm sobbing to him over Skype.
-It's going to be OK Sweetheart. That's why I'm coming.
-You're coming?
-Yup. I've booked a flight. I'll be there for the two weeks before Christmas, and then we'll travel back together. You won't be alone.

I don't argue, I'm so grateful. Daddy is coming! I get the same feeling I had when I was ten or eleven; I had hurt myself badly at school, skinned my left shin so I could see my white bone (I still have a scar). Somebody got hold of my dad and he came to get me, riding up on his shiny red motorcycle.

He's talking to me again, his voice calm and sure:
-Now just lie back, and I'll read some more of our book.

He reads from the Narnia chronicles until I start to relax again. I fall asleep dreaming of Aslan's Country.

Over the next few days I tell myself over and over again that soon Daddy will be here and it will all be OK.
He comes, and it is. Oh, I still have anxiety attacks and tears and panic, sometimes several times a day, but he's on his shiny red motorbike and I'm clinging on from the back. He is starting to make sense of the pain for me, show me something beautiful. There's a reason for it all and so, there is hope.

He walks with me, in the rain and the wind. He convinces me that my umbrella is safe. He cooks stir-fries and grilled cheese sandwiches. He scrubs the floor. He puts his hand on my stomach and marvels at the movement from inside. He and baby play poke-back. Every night, he reads to me until the fear finally lets go and I sleep.

The stories help a lot. They give me something of truth and beauty to hold in my mind against all the ugliness of fear. They distract me a little. They are important, and I can attend to them.

* * *

I'm in my usual one "safe" spot on the couch, talking to my brother over Skype. Or rather, listening to him as he walks me afresh through a familiar Bible story. Jem is at work, my mom and dad and Jem's parents are all away and all my friends are busy. But my family has arranged for me never to be alone, and they take shifts being "with me" over Skype, even just to watch me while I nap.

My brother finishes his story. I smile, exhausted through tears. The Word is taking on a whole new dimension for me. A mysterious, confusing dimension, but full of beauty and hope.

-I have to go now, J. Are you going to be OK? Is Christie going to call you?
-Yes, she'll be by in a few minutes.
-OK, let me pray for you.

Once we hang up I barely have time to run to the bathroom before Christie calls me.
-Hey J, how are you doing?
-Oh, you know, bad.
-Aw. You wanna tell me about it?

I tell her my latest crisis. Maybe it's the time I tried to boil all my tea towels and dish cloths. One of them was a cotton cloth I had crocheted out of bright purple and blue yarn. It bled dye all over the other cloths, and the water boiled over purple on the stove and into my cast-iron pan.

-Cast iron is porous, right? And Jem used the pan before I could tell him not to, so I think I've ingested some dye!
-And what do you think that's going to do?
-I don't know, but dye can't be good for the baby!

But I'm already smiling helplessly because I know what she's going to say...
-Oh dear, your baby is going to come out with a purple finger!

I giggle in spite of myself.
-Or a purple nose!
That's the kind of humor my darling sister used to keep me alive. Christie, you are amazing.

* * *

Finally, just one of the many stories about how my husband cared for me, with a strength and a wisdom I can only imagine must have come directly from God:

I'm standing in the middle of our living room, turning around and around, crying, shaking, screaming. I don't know what to do. I've done nothing all day but to wash my hands. Ever since I got out of bed, I've been at the sink, in a constant crisis of indecision and fear. I finally call Jem at work.

-I can't get the soap off. I didn't use that much at a time, but I can't get it off!
-J, calm down. What do you mean?
-There's this white film that won't come off my hands.
-It's OK, it's just soap. That isn't going to hurt you.
-But it could! It might have chemicals!

He has to go, and I'm still in tears. I spin in circles for another fifteen minutes. Then suddenly, Jem is there. He's scooping me up in his arms, carrying me, seven or eight months pregnant, to the bed. He carefully changes my socks, then washes his hands before coming back to the bed and he just holds me until I stop shaking.

When I can listen again, he speaks deliberately,
-J, all this is about getting sick and harming the baby, right?
-Yes.
-Hon, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for you getting sick. From now on, it is no longer your responsibility. I am the father, and I am the one responsible before God to protect this baby. Your job is to be the mother, the nurturer. Let me be the protector.

* * *

Allow me to end with a too brief and inadequate tribute to Jem. He is beyond doubt the one person who supported me the most, with the most endurance and grace. He suffered exhaustion, anxiety for my safety and our baby's, frustration, disappointment, unbelievable stress. But he walked with me through it all. Through the long nights when I would wake crying or screaming every couple of hours, he would take on the difficult task of calming me and waiting with me until sleep reluctantly returned. Through months of such nights, he stayed. He walked with me through panic attacks, held my hand, helped to ground me in the present moment. When it seemed impossible to find a good therapist or counselor, he kept at it. He reminded me to take my meds when I forgot, resisted, made excuses not to. He kept doing the cleaning projects I was constantly 'discovering' and couldn't even begin to do myself. He kept making soup and grilled cheese for me night after night, after a long day of work for him, and after coming home to an inevitably panic-stricken wife who had done nothing all day but lie on the couch and worry and come up with cleaning jobs for him to do, that MUST be done before supper.... He suffered for me and with me. But he did it with so much love and so much strength, that I admit I almost didn't notice. I was so wrapped up in my own suffering. That is what it is like to support someone through a mental illness: thankless, exhausting, lonely. Just ask my dear husband.

There were many others who gave of themselves and without whom I don't know whether my baby or I would have survived. These amazing people truly walked with me. I don't know how they did it. I know they suffered too.I received generously of their comfort, companionship, help, food. They each gave up time, freedom, energy, and spent of themselves without any expectation of payback. I had nothing to pay back to anyone.

I admit that part of the reason I have written these stories down is a small attempt to pay a little something back--something in the way of thanks at least, and maybe inspiration to someone like you to walk close to someone like me.

Walk with me, Part 3

A third installment in my series of stories of the incredible support I received. It gets more personal here--the people in these stories walked very closely with me through my deep dark valleys, so close that the mud of my suffering stuck to them too.

* * *

-Sweetie, I've gotten time off from work next week, and I'm coming to see you.

My mom is on the phone with me again, I keep calling her for cleaning advice.

-Oh, Mama, you don't have to...
-Well it's done—I've already gotten a nurse to replace me. My flight arrives on Tuesday....
After our conversation, I'm hanging onto the first shred of hope I've found in weeks: my mama will be here soon!

When she arrives, she walks me straight to the doctor. I'm well into my second trimester and haven't gained an ounce. The doctor seems to think the situation is getting serious. He refers me to a psychiatrist, but is hesitant to prescribe an antidepressant himself.

My mom knows it will be a month or more before I get in to see the psychiatrist.
-If you will take my word for it as a nurse and as her mother, I really think she needs to be on the antidepressant sooner.

We leave with a prescription, and by the time we get to the pharmacy near our house, she's convinced me to fill it.

For three weeks after she fills me with home-cooked meals, ice cream, cookies,... love. We go for walks. She wipes my tears when I'm too afraid to touch my own face, smooths my hair with the warmest, most perfect hands I've ever known, takes me shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes, and comforts me as only my mother can. She keeps calling work to get another replacement so she can stay longer. Eventually she has to go back, but she's taken me in to see the psychiatrist by now, and arranged to have friends help me as much as possible.

* * *

-J, are you OK?

I've just dialed Christie on Skype. I'm in tears and exhausted and SO thirsty.

-No, I don't know what to do. I'm so thirsty, but there aren't any clean cups in the house.
-Oh Hon, you need to drink! Listen, this is what you've got to do. Go and get a cup, get some dish soap, turn on the tap--
-But the sink is dirty too!
-That doesn't matter, you're just going to wash the cup under running water.
-But won't dirty water splash up from the dirty sink?
-No, absolutely not. Have you got a cup? I'll walk you through this....

* * *

-Look at those leaves! I can't believe how huge they are! Here, let me get a picture of one, with your feet to show scale.
Jem's mom has her iPod out, and is exclaiming over the British Columbia fall beauty. She's managed to drag me away from the sink and take me for a walk. We've been using our iPods to communicate for months, sending pictures back and forth of my growing belly, of food and art and Bible verses. Now she's here and now I'm in the pictures she sends out. There I am, proudly holding a yam I managed to clean under her direction. And here I am cuddling a fuzzy pink giraffe sleeper she bought for our Pipsqueak. For some reason, I can always look at that little sleeper and see a healthy baby. There we both are, Jem and I, setting up Pip's bed.

She and Dad drove up from Alberta to bring us the car we just bought. Dad goes back soon, but she'll be staying with us for a couple of weeks.

These days, I stop just surviving moment to moment, and live. I wake up every morning with something to do. She keeps me going. We walk a lot, go shopping, do crafts, sketch together, set up the tiny 'nursery'--normal things I hadn't been able to wrap my mind around on my own.

Mum, I don't know how you did it, but your visit brought fresh air into my fear-stifled existence.

* * *

I wake up and breathe relief. Wednesday. B is coming. Most days I wake with dread, unable to believe I'll make it through the day, almost wishing I won't. The days B comes are different. There's something to hope for, some direction to the day, somewhere to go and someone to look to. We go for walks together. We do crafts, look at pictures, go shopping. Then she makes me lunch and tucks me in for a nap. When I wake, she has tea and goodies ready, and she stays with me until Jem comes home
.
When she appears at the door this morning, she has a package for me. Surprised, I open Angel of Hope. The simple wooden figure holds up a candle toward me, sheltering the flame with a cupped hand.

-I thought today we could look up verses about hope. We can write them on index cards so you can have them to remind you every day.

I have tears of delight. We walk together to her house and gather Bibles, concordance, index cards and colored markers. There is nothing for me to worry about, only index cards to fill. When the afternoon is over,  she walks with me back to our house.

That night, I tape hope words to doors, windows, cupboards, even shower walls.

B is a mother to me. She makes sure I eat, sleep, go for walks, get enough to drink. She takes me to appointments. Even through her own misery of a month-long migraine, she comes to see me, sends me meals, calls to see if I'm OK. Closer to my due date, she helps me pack for the hospital, dreams with me about that day.

There is no way to express my gratitude to my surprise mother.

* * *
More to come! Tune in next time to read about the one who helped me see Aslan and beauty in the darkness, a Skype rescue relay team, and the very best and strongest support a girl could have: my Jem.

walk with me, continued

As promised, a few more stories about the kind of support I was blessed to received from dear friends during the worst of my illness. Do you think you could do anything like this for someone you know?

* * *

-How can we help...?

Jem is beyond stressed. I've told him, of course, you can tell the guys at prayer group what's been going on with me. I know he needs support. The guys are great; they hold him up with their encouragement. I don't mind that they know. I figure it's always good to have prayer. One of the couples have been friends of ours for several years, we often get together for games nights. Tonight they are over at our house. My friend repeats,

-Seriously, we really want to help. J, I wish I could come and spend time with you during the day, but I work all day. But do you need meals? Is it easier for you to be home or to come to our place? How are you doing for grocery trips?
-Wow, well... we could use meals sometimes. Jem is doing all of the cooking these days.
-Absolutely. We'll ask the other couples in the prayer group too if they can bring a meal once in a while. And how about this: we'll do your grocery shopping every week.
-What? No, we couldn't ask you to do that.
-It's no problem, we go every week anyway. Just send us an email with your list by Thursday evening, and you can write us a check when we bring the groceries by.

At the end of our evening, Jem tries to return the board game we've been borrowing from them for months, but they refuse it.
-No, you guys keep it. It seems to be something J can enjoy.
It's true, over the past few weeks that Carcassone game has become not just a helpful distraction, but a VITAL one. I can't even watch a twenty-minute TV show without being totally distracted by some danger to my unborn child. But for some reason, I can get lost in Carcassone.

L and C, you may never know how much we appreciate you walking so closely with us.

* * *

Jem has been planning to go to this hockey game for weeks, but I can't be left alone. I've asked my friend N to come over for a movie night. When she arrives, I'm at the kitchen sink, rinsing a dishcloth to wipe the table.
I'm so glad to see her, but I don't step away from the sink.
-I'll just finish cleaning up the kitchen and then we'll start the movie. Is that OK?
-Sure, no problem. How've you been?
-Oh, not great....
I go on rinsing, rinsing while we talk. I tell her some of my worries. She listens. She tells me a bit about her week. Fifteen, maybe twenty minutes later, I think I've managed to wipe the table, but now I decide I HAVE to clean the sink. I'm still rinsing the same cloth.
-I'm so sorry, this is taking me way too long. It's just, how do I know...? Is it clean? When is it safe? Have I rinsed enough?
-J, it's all you've done since I came.
She says it quietly, with no reproach.
I'm trembling. I finally manage to put the cloth down, dry my hands. We sit down and start the movie, but I can't concentrate. All I can think about is that I need to clean....
I tell her, don't worry about me, I've seen this one before. I'll just be a minute.
I leave to clean the bathroom. She stops the movie and comes to find me.
-It's OK, J, that's plenty clean. I think you're done. Come on, let's go watch the movie.
I let her take me back to the living room.
By the end of the evening, she's offered to come and get me the next day and take me over to her place. She'll do that often throughout the rest of my pregnancy, keeping my blood sugar level with her barley-and-cream concoctions, walking with me, keeping me entertained, taking me shopping, letting me feel useful playing with her daughter.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you N!

* * *

I'm with my dear friend E, who knows all about my deepest fears and darkest miseries. We've been out shopping, she's asked me about the last few days, how I'm doing. She's reminded me again, God is not punishing you, J. I'm struggling to believe her though.

We walk up together to her apartment, and she puts her sleepy baby girl down for a nap. I look longingly at a slumbering baby. I so wish I could sleep. I haven't slept more than three or four hours a night for the last month or so. Panic wakes me and won't let me lie down again until I've cleaned this, thrown out that.

-Do you want to have a nap?
-Nah, I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.
-Well why don't you try. Here, I'll put a clean sheet on the couch.

I lie down, grateful. My mind is still whirring: but my hands are dirty, my hair is dirty, what if it gets on my face while I sleep? But I close my eyes and try to breathe slower. I sleep.

E, that was the best nap in weeks.
E, your firm, gentle wisdom walked me through several of my very worst days.

Walk with me

I must stop procrastinating these long-promised posts on supporting someone with a mental illness. It's a tricky topic, but I believe it is one of the most important we've touched on so far. That may be why it has taken me so long to get up the courage to put it out there—I'm afraid I won't do it justice. I admit that's a perfectionist/OCD fear, so I'd better face the fear and do it anyway!

If you know someone with a mental illness (and odds are, whether you know it or not, you do) and you want to be a blessing to them, you'll likely face some eggshell-delicate situations. If you really engage with them as a Christian brother or sister, you will have to wrestle with their pain, their guilt, and plenty rather muddy theological issues. And if you walk alongside them any distance, you'll find it impossible to avoid the muck and mire of their suffering.

In the next several posts, I tell stories of the blessings and support I received from amazing friends and family during the worst of my illness. It is my hope that you will find inspiration to do something similar for a person you know.

* * *

It is the fourth month of my pregnancy. I'm just home from my trip overseas, still down with a scary unknown tropical illness. Some friends have invited Jem and I over to their house for lunch. They don't know how much I've been struggling, but they ask how the pregnancy is going. I don't yet know that my worries are about to blow up into panic attacks and OCD, but I already have a sinking feeling of slipping hard and fast into another depression. I tell them about being sick, and my guilt and fear, and they pray for me right then and there.
Hearing someone pray for me out loud is powerful. I know I'm not forgotten; they're reminding God about me. These same friends continue throughout my pregnancy to ask about me, send cards, even bring over a meal. They keep praying and I'm buoyed up by their strength.

* * *

It's one of the few Sundays I make it to church during the second half of my pregnancy. One young mom walks over to me and asks how I'm doing. Now I've lived with mental illness long enough to know that trying to hide it is neither helpful nor ultimately possible. So when she asks with honest interest, I reply,

-I'm doing awful.

-Is it nausea still?

-No, no, panic attacks, actually.

-Oh! I know!

Seriously?, I think. That's not the response I expected, but wow is it good to hear.

-You do?

Indeed she does, and though her situation and anxieties were not all the same as mine, she really can understand. She spends time with me, walking me through her illness and recovery, and all the resources and materials that helped her get through. Knowing that I'm not alone, that someone else nearby has actually gotten through something similar is tremendous comfort.

Dear friend, your pain became comfort for me.

* * *

Another panic attack. Jem's at work, I'm shaking and crying over spilled rice: I've heard of food poisoning from rice. The offending grains are all over my counter from dinner last night. Should I use bleach?

My pregnant self is suffering a serious blood sugar dive, but I can't prepare food on that counter.... I don't know who to talk to: I can't reach my mom, Jem's not answering his work phone. I'm hungry and thirsty, but panic-paralyzed.

Finally, in tears and desperation, I walk upstairs to our landlords'. I'm so embarrassed that I can't even clean up rice, but I need help! I know they are the kind of people who will try to understand, and are willing to help. They have already driven me to a psychiatrist appointment, and have borne with my recently way-too-frequent laundry and long showers.

They aren't home, but their mother who lives with them is sitting on the couch listening to a book on tape. She's a dear, godly lady, over ninety and losing her vision. A real prayer warrior; I am aware she prays for everyone she knows. Even though she can't see me, she knows I'm upset. She gets up, walks over to me, holds my hand for a long time until I stop shaking. The touch of her feather-soft hands brings me slowly back to now. My pounding heart quiets.

FREAK-OUT

Had a major freak-out session this weekend. A set-back. It wasn't pretty.

But here's the story: as I wrote in my previous post, I'd been working hard on cooking with raw meat. The first night with hamburger went relatively well. The next time was a lot worse though, I think because I'd had time to ruminate over what I might have done wrong the last time.... The third time was definitely no easier, but the fourth.... Well, let me tell you about the fourth.

I had decided it was time to thaw the roast Jem had bought a couple months back. It took several days to thaw in the fridge. I thought it was sealed from the store, but even so, I had it double-bagged because I do that with things I'm worried about, even if I'm sure they're sealed. Apparently I was wrong, which has only confirmed my fears about people handling un-sealed packages of meat and then touching other things in the grocery store, and putting the trays of meat on the belts where other food goes....

The bloody thing bled all over my fridge.

Panic. My voice rising with my fear, my prayers screeches of, "Dear God, I don't know what to do!" Tears. Pushing Jem out of the way. I have to do this myself. Shaking, crying. Paralysis. Then almost uncontrollable foot-pounding--it's an involuntary reaction of mine to severe mental anguish, sort of like someone might jump up and down from the pain of stubbing a toe, wring their hands after biting their tongue, or writhe during a contraction in labor.

Finally, some decisions through the fog. Wipe, wipe, wipe. Wash hands. Grab the rubbing alcohol. Wipe wipe wipe some more. More soap more water wash hands pour boiling water more alcohol. Splashes on the floor oh no more alcohol.

Jem, very wisely, very calmly, playing with our girl in the next room.

Finally, Jem says after about three hours (I don't remember time passing. It felt like 30 minutes and it felt like 30 hours), I breathed and walked out of the kitchen. Did laundry, had a bath, worried about getting germs from the meat into the bath and splashing from there onto the floor.... When I finally satisfied myself at least momentarily that I had cleaned myself and the bathroom well of germs, I got out, got dressed, and crashed on the couch, exhausted and dizzy. The rest of the day I barely had energy to read to my lily-girl.

But we had roast beef that night.

Now, days later, I'm still worried. What if I missed some of the meat juice? What if some of it dripped onto the vegetables and we didn't notice? Reddish-brown stains keep popping up to taunt and terrify me. And anything in the kitchen I don't specifically and clearly remember having cleaned with rubbing alcohol is scary to touch.

So, even though on the day of the roast, I really gave way to my fears and did a TON of OCD behaviors, I'm doing ERP now. I'm exposing myself to the fear that meat juice dripped on the vegetables, and we've eaten salad every day despite my worry. I don't bleach or use alcohol all over every single reddish-brown stain I see. And I keep using the kettle that I didn't clean completely, and I don't wash my hands after touching it, even though I worry about that for hours and hours until I can take my anti-anxiety meds and fall asleep.

My amazing psychologist, K., is working with me on a type of technique to deal with anxiety called mindfulness. No, it isn't Eastern meditation. It's just the concept that the best way to deal with negative feelings is to stay in the present moment. Anxiety usually keeps me focused on either the past or the future: worry that I did something wrong in the past, terror about what may happen in the future. Mindfulness grounds me in what is going on right now. So I acknowledge that yes, I'm anxious right now, but that the anxiety itself doesn't mean anything about reality. It's just a feeling. And a feeling can't kill me, or anyone in my family. So I stay with the intense feelings of fear, endure them rather than doing everything possible to get rid of them. I don't clean that stain and I don't wash my hands and I tell myself that I won't be anxious forever. My heart pounds and my stomach feels like it's tied up in tangled fishing line and my brain goes over and over the possibilities, imagining the spread of E.coli around the house. It's tough. No, it's brutal. But it works. As the days go by, I notice that I'm a lot less worried about that stain, that kettle. And then I realize that we haven't gotten sick yet, and it's probably a bit late now to get some horrible disease from a drip of meat... how many days ago?

Thanks be to God, Who delivers me from all of my fears (Psalm 34:4).

Boastful confessions

I'm working tonight on a longer post about supporting someone with a mental illness (hopefully to be up soon), but there is a jubilant, victorious wind blowing through my mind that I must acknowledge. And actually, this does have a lot to do with support.

Someone dear gave me a wide and generous complement today. It gave me the extra boost to make this evening's challenge less heavy. She told me I was brave. Everyone has fears she said, but most people can ignore them. J faces hers every day. Her words warmed and strengthened me, and then...

...I cooked hamburger for supper! Heh heh. And I did it with no OCD behaviors. Or at least very few. I've been working up to this high bridge-walk for a long time. My psychologist and I decided that this was the week, and I am to cook hamburger every night for four or five nights. Tonight was the first. It was hard, but the shaking and the crying and the paralysis didn't happen this time. Whew. And Jem was proud of me. That felt so good. And Lily-girl DEVOURED the stuff, with obvious pleasure. That felt good too.

I find I am enjoying myself, despite my fear. Another quick little anecdote before I sign off:

Last week I went to a visiting author's lecture at the downtown library. A special treat made possible by Jem, who stayed home and put our girl to bed all by himself. I sat next to a fellow who, I learned, was doing his PhD in English--of all things (imagine sitting next to someone who tells you they own a chocolate-making business). He asked me what I did. I don't think I had been asked that question before, and I don't think my next words had yet passed my lips:

"I'm a mom."

I found I said it with pride, and felt just the same as if I had modestly confessed to being a rocket scientist and a computer programmer in my spare time.

It's no big deal. I'm really good at it. ;-)

Lily's Birth Day

I walked home today in the sun with my one-year-old. My one-year-old. I have had this gorgeous creature's company for a whole year, and I am bursting with gratitude.

Her birthday was two weeks ago now. We celebrated with Kleenexes and baby Tylenol and a store-bought cheesecake with grandparents and an aunty who came over to make tea for the sickies. Poor baby--to be sick on her first birthday!

Notice the baby Tylenol on the counter?

She's showing you how old she is!

But then last Sunday we really celebrated: with balloons and paper streamers and cake and pink lemonade and "champagne"! I loved planning the party.  I was heady with the excitement of getting to show off this darling daughter to friends, to celebrate her, enjoy her and the amazing fact that God has allowed me a whole, delightful, precious year.

A friend put it beautifully in an e-mail to us after the party: "How do you fête a daughter like Lily?" It was indeed my joyous conundrum. His answer was our best effort: "With strawberries and books and Grampa's champagne!"

But my fête isn't quite complete: I wish to follow suit after Christie in recalling the searing victories and triumphant pains of my daughter's birth story.

It began with two little words you never want to hear from a medical professional, especially if you have an anxiety disorder: "Uh oh." It was the day after my due date, and we were at our *last* (we hoped) prenatal appointment with the midwife. We'd finished discussing measures I could take to get labor going, if I wanted to, we'd heard our Pipsqueak's heart beat, and the midwife was taking my blood pressure. I've always had great blood pressure readings--typically on the healthy low end. But that day, it had sky-rocketed. So, my wonderful midwife straight-away rocketed us all off to the hospital, where I was hooked up to a fetal monitor for an hour, had multiple tests done, and was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and subsequently induced for labor.

I was strangely calm. I think I understood the gravity of the situation: the reality was, without medical intervention, both my baby and I could have died. But something--or Some One--told me that everything was going to be okay: I had my midwife, she had caught it in time, my mom was there, my Jem was with me, the doctor would do everything necessary, the hospital staff could handle this situation, and Pip (the name we used for her before she was born) would soon be in my arms!

Things went smoothly, though intensely after that. The labor pains were very soon hard and fast on top of each other, so that there was often barely time to breathe deep in between them. But I was, as I had imagined, just grateful for the physical pain that replaced the mental anguish of the months of waiting. My mother coached me, Jem comforted me, my midwife instructed and encouraged. A pediatrician and team came in to be there when baby was born.

Then suddenly, her warm, wet, wiggly, beautiful body was on me for just a moment. They whisked her away to make sure she didn't inhale meconium, and checked her all over, with her daddy holding her and letting her suck on his finger for comfort. I held her again. She looked deep into my eyes with her new ones. I recognized her, named her.  But I could not name the feeling that coursed through my torn and tender body--a love beyond words. My mother recognized it though, and in her arms, with my daughter in mine, I was just so grateful to her and for her.

I had torn, but not nearly as badly as Christie. Later on, I could only admire her gratefully for the wisdom and kindness and restraint that kept her from telling me the details of her birth story until after I'd had my own experience. Once I'd been stitched up, my mom gently helped me into the shower.

It may sound silly to most of you, but that shower was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. How to explain? For months, showers for me had been compulsive, exhausting, terrifying. Many days, there were two or three, often hour-long showers. I would finish shaking and crying and freezing (I nearly always ran out of warm water), never sure I'd done it "right". Washing my hair, which I did typically twice every day, I would hold my breath and close my mouth tight, afraid dirt and germs or chemicals from my hair and shampoo would run into my mouth and affect my baby.          

This shower was different. I was shaking yes, not from anxiety but from the effort of the labor that had brought a healthy baby into the world. I felt the warm water course over my body, and I opened my mouth and let the water run in, and it tasted like freedom.

There followed three days of joy and almost complete freedom before I plunged back into the darkness and terror. But I thank God who in his kindness gave me those three wonderful days of relief with my Jem and my mom and my new little Lily.

And now He's given me a year. A year of joy and wonder and new, growing freedom, and indescribable love and gratitude for God's gift of grace.

I wrote in my diary on her birthday: "I really can't believe it's been a year--a whole year since that night of ripping pain and insane strength and uncontainable joy. The first time her soggy new skin landed slippery on my tired, stretched-out abdomen, she looked at me, deep in recognition. She still looks at me with the same dark, wondering eyes and the same tiny fingers curl around mine and I can't believe I've had a year of this and where have the moments gone and don't let them slip away and please give me more years of this! I've never known such purpose or such joy."

My dear little Lily,

"On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

'Life will never be the same'

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in all the world!"

(Nancy Tillman, On the Night You Were Born, 2005)

And here you all, is Lily's contribution to this post!:

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<sb                                                      c

(I'm just so proud of my little budding writer!)

Looking back

You finally get to hear from me, J again. I'm ashamed its been so long since I've written! I wrote the following post just after Christmas, so I will put it up before I go on to what has been happening more currently:

I've been quiet this Christmas season--just soaking up family time, creative giving endeavors, baby-enjoyment, and delicious aromas and flavors of the season.

For me, all of the Christmas trappings seemed to joyfully whisper the reminder: "This is not last year."

Last year was, as a dear one put it to me, a "very strange Christmas." Indeed it was. For one thing, I nearly spent Christmas in the hospital. Most of my family and friends, even I myself, had been convinced that I needed some serious help, probably hospitalization. I was at the point when I was too terrified to prepare food or drink for myself--I just didn't trust myself to prevent contamination. There were days when Jem would come home to a starved and desperately thirsty pregnant wife, and literally have to spoon-feed me because I was too afraid to touch the spoon with my 'contaminated' hands. I wasn't gaining weight properly and I was dehydrated. But most of all, I was feeling utterly hopeless, often close to hysteria, the thought of death as a welcome escape never far from my mind. My psychiatrist didn't see a place for me in the hospital however, and perhaps if she had sent me to the hospital my anxiety would have simply been un-manageable (in my mind, the hospital was the very most germ-y and dangerous place to be!) So I was sent home, appointment after appointment, with a little increase in medication and the platitude: "You'll be okay."

A week or two before Christmas, a public nurse came to visit me. She saw no other alternative than to send me to the hospital, but Jem and my psychiatrist rescued me from a hospital food Christmas dinner. It was too little, too late. Jem was angry. He felt I had needed the hospital months ago, not now, not instead of family and love and a Christmas at home. So I got to go home, and I saw my husband really angry for my sake. That felt kinda good.

Rather than the confinement of a hospital then, I spent Christmas in the confinement of fear-paralysis. My dear family spent Christmas trying to anticipate my fears and keep my anxiety down.

Nonetheless, I held on for dear life to the Christmas message of peace on earth. I longed--I still do long--for that peace, as all of creation longs and groans in expectation (Romans 8:22). For some reason, God wanted my family and me to feel that groaning more sharply last Christmas.

And for some equally strange reason, a year later He has given me a tremendous measure of freedom. This year I didn't walk miles around the Christmas poinsettias for fear of the potting soil being contaminated. This year, I didn't cry for hours after someone brought home fruits and vegetables. I didn't come to the Christmas meal with my freshly-washed hands up in the air, surgeon-like, to keep dirty water from wrists and arms from running down to my fingers. This year I savored Christmas cookies in my fingers, dipped in milk. This year I sat on the floor with my baby and helped her open gifts. This year I held a healthy, happy, beautiful baby in my arms, gift of God's grace. This year, I really celebrated.

Birth story - Part 2

I guess I've sort of built this post up a lot. So I should let you all down slowly... This post isn't going to be as exciting as it initially may have sounded. That being said, this post is very important to me. To be honest, this isn't something that women typically talk about. It's okay to talk about long and difficult labors, c-sections, hemorrhaging, NICU stays for infants, and the complications that follow these types of deliveries. It seems to me, however, that our society is less comfortable talking about what I went through. And so, in honor of this blog - talking about such forbidden things (mental illness) -  and because I think that this was one of the triggers to my own depression, I'm going to tell you about what happened after our sweet baby girl was born.

When my doctor spoke next she said "Christie, you've torn. I need to check you before I get the gynecologist on-call to do the repair." This didn't really surprise me, I always knew I would tear. I figured it would be a second degree tear, but the fact that she would need a gynecologist to do the repair surprised me.

"How bad is the tear?" I asked.

"Third degree," she replied.

Okay, worse than I thought, but not as bad as a fourth degree tear, I can live with that. The gynecologist came in and examined me as well. That's when my second "REALLY? NOW?"-moment happened.

"I'd like to give you some Fentanyl while I repair your tear," She said after examining me.

"REALLY? NOW??" I've just gone through my whole labor and delivery without a drop of analgesia, and now you want to give me a pain-killer? I thought about how stupid that was: I'd specifically gone through labor without anything, for my child's sake. Now it was going to be all for naught, because they wanted to give me a strong narcotic that would pass into my breastmilk - albeit in very tiny quantities - anyway. I tried to say "no" but they insisted that it would be very painful and that a narcotic would be beneficial. "Aren't you going to give me a local anaesthetic anyway?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied "but it isn't going to help very much at all"

I gave up and let them push 100 mcg of Fentanyl. She was right. Even with the Fentanyl on board the pain was excruciating. Maybe worse than labor, maybe not quite, I can't really remember, but worse than I ever imagined.

As she started the repair, the gynecologist started to give me instructions, "Now, with a fourth degree tear..."

"I thought it was only a third degree tear," I interrupted.

"No," she replied firmly, "it's definitely fourth degree." I must have heard incorrectly.

The repair took an hour to complete. I didn't have to go to the operating room, likely because of the gynecologist's expertise in this area. I was very blessed to have her. She was actually a locum doctor from Calgary, the very best pelvic floor specialist in all of Alberta. She "just happened" to be on-call in our town that morning. I marveled, in weeks that followed, that God would have me tear so badly, and then provide the very best person to do the repair.

I barely got to hold my daughter during that time, even though I asked for her over and over and tried to convince them that the pain would be less severe if I could have her to distract me. I think that they were concerned the Fentanyl might have made me too loopy and drowsy to hold her without the potential of dropping her tiny fame. Trust me, any potential loopiness from the Fentanyl was strongly counteracted by the severity of the pain I was experiencing. I didn't even make it through the whole repair before I was asking, please, for another dose of Fentanyl. They gave it to me willingly, and that dose, piggy-backed on the previous one, relieved the sharp edge of the pain.

Perhaps worse than the length of the repair was the fact that throughout the whole procedure both physicians were giving me a ton of information on this type of tear. They talked about caring for the tear, follow-up visits, possible complications, the need for pelvic-floor physiotherapy (who's even heard of such a thing!), and even touched on what the next pregnancy-labor-delivery might look like for me. Here's a bit of information on 4th degree tears, if you're curious http://brochures.mater.org.au/Home/Brochures/Mater-Mothers-Private-Redland/Recovering-from-3rd-or-4th-degree#5

The general consensus had been that my daughter's shoulders had caused the tear, due to the fact that I had been unable to keep my body from pushing through that final contraction. I felt so guilty, and I kept apologizing... to A., because I'd felt like I'd ruined my body; to my whole medical team who had coached me so well throughout my labor, for not being able to do the one thing they'd asked of me; and to the gynecologist, because I'd taken up her time and because I could not stop my legs from shaking uncontrollably.

I cried a lot, for days, after that. I don't think that I can explain, in a way that would make sense to anyone, why this was so unbearable for me. The months, maybe years (we have yet to see), of healing ahead of me overwhelmed my mind. The guilt hit hard whenever I thought of that moment when I said "I'm not, I'm not... I'm not pushing!" The idea that I had forever ruined my body kept coming back to haunt me, even when A. and my mom assured me I


hadn't. I hurt. A lot. Nursing my daughter was harder for it. I couldn't sit up, so I had to learn to nurse her side-lying right from the start, and not having as good control of her head from that position made learning an already difficult skill, that much harder. I believe that this was also the beginning of my depression. Not that it was the complete cause of it (it's just not that simple), but that it was the start of the cycle of guilt, anxiety, pain, remorse.

I discovered a few weeks later what the look of horror had been on my doctors face: She is a fairly new family practitioner, and had seen only a couple severe tears during her residency. One such tear had spontaneously dehisced (opened) weeks after the repair. She was likely shocked by the extent of the tear and reminded of the severity of potential complications.

One thing I was glad of: The birth of my daughter and the fourth degree tear I had endured remained completely separate in my mind. I had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I had torn very badly. Those two things, the good and the bad, did not coexist in my mind. Because of this, I never once blamed her - her abnormally large head, her shoulders, or her weight (8lbs, 6oz)- for the tearing of my body.
 

Little N's Birth Story - Part 1

Today is Baby N's 1st Birthday. I can't believe how much has happened this past year and I am so happy and blessed to be this little girl's mom. I thought I'd do a special little post about her birth today. It comes in two parts (you'll understand why in my next post), so here is part one:

My due date was January 22, 2013 and I was sure, throughout my pregnancy, that our baby was going to come early. Finishing up my preceptorship was stressful enough, and I had been having mild contractions every day since about 28 weeks gestation. So when my due date came and went I was frustrated and very anxious to finally have my baby in my arms. The fact that my Canadian Registered Nurse Examination (CRNE) was scheduled for February 6th did not help my patience, either. We kept busy though, and A. and I made a ton of giant cinnamon buns just days before Little N arrived. Can you say nesting?

My mom had planned to come about a week earlier, but because I wasn't showing any signs of going into labor, she decided to stay in Edmonton a little bit longer to help my grandparents. She arrived on the 26th and I am convinced that had she come earlier, Little N would have also made an earlier appearance: My mom wasn't here more than 5 hours before I knew I was in labor.

And that's the way I stayed, contractions coming every 5-7 minutes lasting anywhere between 30-90 seconds for about 18 hours. My sister-in-law had given me a recipe for an at-home induction method, and I had cleared it with my doctor. I went into labor on my own, but after 18 hours of "bule bule" contractions (my mother's Swahili term for meaningless contractions) I decided to take a third of the recommended cocktail. Hoo-boy did that get things going: About 22 hours after early labor had started, the contractions were coming hard and strong at very regular intervals and, at around 2330, we headed to the hospital.

When the nurse initially checked me I was 3 cm dilated - not as far along as I wished I was, but enough that they considered me in active labor. The first two hours were manageable enough, I spent that time in the tub, my mom reading a funny little book called A Book of General Ignorance and A. pressing on my back through contractions and giving me sips of water. Eventually, though, the tub just wasn't soothing anymore and I needed a change. At 0300 the nurse checked me again, and I thought "if I can be at 5 cm, I think I can do this." Sure enough I measured at 5 cm. The worst part of my labor was the following 2 hours. When Amy, my nurse, did her assessment, she also put me on the fetal monitor for a few minutes and noticed the baby's heart rate was high, about 170-180 bpm. But neither she nor the on-call physician could tell if baby's baseline HR was that high with some decelerations (a bad sign) or lower with lots of accelerations (a good sign). Knowing my daughter now, how active and excitable she is, I'm willing to guess it was the latter. To be safe, they kept me on the fetal monitor and gave me a bolus of 1L of fluid. I was stuck lying on the bed in what is, I'm sure, the most uncomfortable place in the world to labor, with cords and lines attached to my body. It was miserable. I did try some nitrous oxide (laughing gas) at one point, but it didn't help the pain at all. It only made my mouth dry and my head spin. At one point I looked at A. and said "I don't think I can do this." He was amazing and so encouraging. Both my mom and A. were wonderful. My mom pretty well stayed at my back pushing on it through all of my contractions - I had terrible back labor- and A. stayed at my head, stroking my face and encouraging me through each contraction. I had been leery of having two support people, but they worked so well together, didn't get in each others way and did exactly what I needed them to do. I went through labor without any drugs and no major melt-downs, I believe solely because of their support. Our physician checked me again at 0350 and again I thought "6 cm, please 6 cm." That's the way it was throughout my labor, I would wish for a number and be spot on.

I have talked to a number of other moms and it seems like there's a moment in every labor when things get so ridiculous that you just want to shout "REALLY? NOW??" I had two such moments. I'll share the second one in Part 2, but the first one happened at about 0500 in the morning: I had gotten up a couple of times to use the washroom, but just before 0500 I felt like I had to empty my bladder again. I got up, the contractions were right on top of each other at this point. "Transition" I thought with both relief and fear. Much to my chagrin I couldn't seem to void. I was half-dragged back to bed, doubled over with the pain of another contraction and I suddenly felt like I had to push. Of course I knew what they would say, "not yet, let us check you first, before you push." I knew it was a bad idea to push against a not yet fully dilated cervix. But the urge was so strong I thought "I'll just push a tiny bit" and as I did my water broke, gushed really, all over the floor. The clear fluid another signal that Baby was likely not in distress. They helped be back into bed, our doctor checked me again, I was just barely shy of 10 cm dilated. She told me that before I pushed she wanted to make sure my bladder was empty, and before I could say or do anything she was inserting a catheter. "REALLY? NOW???" I didn't say it, but I wanted to shout it. I did ask, incredulously "What are you doing?"- not that I didn't already know. But I barely got the words out before she was done, so really, she did a very good job.

And then I was ready to push. For me, pushing was a relief. I felt productive. It helped the contractions feel less intense. Pushing was good. I was finally off the fetal monitor, so I was able to try out a variety of positions, which was also wonderful. I kept hearing the nurses and the doctor saying "Wow, she's strong." "For a first time mom, she's really pushing well." It wasn't just meant to be encouraging. It seemed to me that they were honestly quite surprised and impressed. I don't think anyone in the room thought it was a bad omen, I certainly didn't. As I progressed through the second stage the doctor reminded me "When the head is delivered, you need to stop pushing, I'll let you know when you can start again." The last ultrasound, just the previous week, had shown a nucal cord. So I knew our doctor would want to get it untangled before the body was delivered. "Okay," I nodded. The nurses and the doctor talked easily throughout this stage, encouraging me through each contraction. The doctor remarked that our baby had a lot of dark hair, and I thought "She's lying... has she seen this kid's parents?" We are both fair and were both bald as babies. She also told us that she wouldn't tell us the gender of the child, she would let us discover it for ourselves. That was kind of neat, and a different approach than I'd heard of before. When our baby's head was delivered I heard the caution "Okay, now you need to stop pushing." I looked at Amy and panted along with her. That was supposed to keep me from pushing. Then I heard it again: "Stop pushing, you need to stop pushing." I remember saying "I'm not, I'm not... I'm not pushing." Then suddenly at 0544 our baby was delivered and I remember seeing a look of absolute shock and horror on my doctor's face and I thought briefly, "Oh no, the cord!" But before I could really panic, she was in my arms, crying. She had good lungs, good color, good tone. I checked her over. She looked beautiful. Perfect. And sure enough, a good amount of light, reddish hair. I kissed her, noticing two matching stork-bites on each eyelid, and spoke her name over and over. The look of terror on my doctor's face left my mind.  And until she spoke again, I was blissful.

Baby Measles, Late Nights, and Dancing

I just read J's Christmas post (hopefully she'll put it up soon) (here it finally is!) and I was totally humbled. Humbled because of the joy in her words and the freedom she is now experiencing.

I didn't have an altogether easy Christmas season. Not that I've been deep in the throws of depression again, just that stress and anxiety have pulled at me a little stronger over the last few weeks than I thought - than I hoped - they would while sharing Christmas with family. I had about four good hard meltdowns in just over two weeks and I'm on the brink of another one today.

As I sit here typing, I am listening to my daughter crying and to her father trying to calm her and I am spent. We are all sick this week. A. and I both have a pretty nasty cold and our dear little girl, has Roseola, "baby measles." It's no big deal, apparently every baby gets it, but she is miserable. She has not slept well the last few nights and, as a result, neither have I. This morning she woke up at 0230 and we snuggled, she nursed, we played, we watched some TV, and she cried and cried. Finally I woke A. up at about 0500 and he did his best to support us, but she wouldn't go to him, wouldn't eat, wouldn't nurse, wouldn't snuggle, wouldn't take a bottle. Just cried. Finally I got some "Praise Baby" music up on YouTube (my wonderful mom introduced us to it) and she and I slow-danced in the middle of the dining room until she fell asleep.

Sometimes I think things should be easier now. I shouldn't have meltdowns, I shouldn't feel so down... I should be better. I know that everyone has bad days, but it feels like a glimpse back at my life a few months ago, and it's a little scary. But then I realize, after staying up half the night with my daughter, that I am better. No longer to I feel like running, screaming, shaking, drowning... I feel spent and sad, sometimes anxious, often lonely, but much more in control. And the good times are so much better. I can even get up with Little N. at 0230 in the morning and smile at her, talk and sing and dance with her. And that is good.

This was written January 19th, 2014. Took me a little while to get it up.