Today I saw two therapists. It was a little exhausting, but I'm feeling more hopeful. I have already mentioned that I have been seeing a Registered Psychiatric Nurse (J.N.). I actually saw her early on, at about 3 weeks postpartum. I really didn't feel comfortable with her. I remember feeling worse after my appointments than I did before. I also remember not really understanding some of the questions she asked. And she would ask them over and over. I guess we just didn't hit it off. When I went to my doctor just a few weeks ago, she suggested I go back to J.N. I explained my experience with her and she said she would refer me to someone else. So today, I saw both J.N. and this other counselor. What a difference!
Let me explain: J.N.'s approach has a tendency to leave me feeling a bit out of control. She talks a lot about the postpartum hormonal imbalance and neurochemical imbalances that can trigger postpartum depression. While I know that those are huge components to PPD, they aren't things I can do much about. Consequently I've been feeling like I'll just have to ride this out. I know that the medication will help level me out, but I'm just not going to feel like "myself" until my body decides to re-regulate itself. The problem is that I know that there are background issues that have made my PPD worse and that I should be able to work on these things so that I don't slip back into depression.
Today I also saw the psychologist to whom I was referred. Her approach is worlds away from J.N.'s (or it seems that way to me). We talked about how I have been feeling lonely and isolated where we live now. I mentioned that, having been a student for so long, I now find myself missing being intellectually and socially stimulated through school. Being a mother can be pretty tedious, even mundane, a lot of the time and I find that I am perfectly able to keep myself busy, but get to the end of the day and don't feel like I've done anything terribly worthwhile.
Yes, I know being a mother is very worthwhile. But it's hard to see it when I've gone through the exact same routine - nurse, play, breakfast, play, nap, lunch, walk, nap, nurse, play, make supper, feed N. supper, play, bath, nurse, bed - everyday.
But this psychologist was able to give me a list of options in Red Deer for getting involved and meeting people. She wasn't pushy about it, but helped me set goals for things that I would really want to do. Over the next couple weeks I really want to look into the Collicutt Center: I guess for about $5/hr. A. and I can leave N. with childcare workers and go swim, play tennis, climb their climbing wall, etc. We used to love doing that sort of thing for dates. I also want to go to some of the Parent Link drop-in activities at Parkland mall. So I hope to do some of those in the next week.
This psychologist told me today "A lot of people get stuck with postpartum depression; thinking that it's just an imbalance. Treat the imbalance with meds, and the depression will just go away. But I think there's so much more to it than that." I think that's the major difference between the two therapists. For the time being I do need the meds, that pretty clear to me now. I was in an acute depressive crisis and my daughter and I were both at risk. But now I'm ready (because the meds have started to level me out) to work on some of the factors that initially put me at risk for PPD. Hopefully, this will be another good turning point.
J.N. has helped me some and we did have a good session today, but overall, I think this new psychologist will be a better fit. Now, I just need a good way to tell J.N. I'm seeing someone else!
Here are some helpful things from today:
- Make a list of priorities and write down what I have accomplished in a day
- Get involved in a course (maybe photography?). I would love to do this, but it might be difficult logistically right now. Good to keep in mind though for down the road or when I'm feeling better.
- Look into some mom and baby activities in Red Deer and get involved
- Pray about the things that are bothering me, do what I can, and leave the rest in God's hands. For some reason, I've been forgetting to do this as much as I should.
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