Okay, in reality baby stayed home. She had a cold, and I didn't want to give the other babies and their moms the same cold. Grandma and dad were happy enough to keep her at home.
I have to admit, I was very nervous about going. I'm still nervous about going. Particularly because I'm afraid I won't fit in and that I won't have anything in common with the other moms. Now, it's tricky to share much about a support group because everything should remain pretty confidential. What I can say is that I'm glad I'm not alone, but I still feel very much alone. The other (2) moms seem to be more in the recovery stage than I am and I'm not sure either have ever come as close as I have to hurting their baby. Guilt. Someone told me recently (not at the support group) that it's normal to sometimes want to throw a pillow over your child's face - not that you ever would. More Guilt. I don't know how to bring it up. I feel like a support group should be a place where I can get support for even the worst of my illness, but I still feel like I might be judged by them. Fear. Those are the two emotions I feel most often. Even on my good days. Guilt for what I've done, how I feel, and what I want or don't want. Fear of what I might do when I sink to a low, or what people might think of me if they only knew how terrible a mother I am.
I will keep going to the support group and test the waters slowly. I know that I won't feel comfortable right away. The one issue I feel might make things more difficult is that I'm not sure I will find someone of the same faith as me. What a world of difference that would make! To be able to share my struggles with someone who believes in the grace, peace and strength that comes from God.
On another note: I've felt so much better the last couple days. Maybe the medications are starting to work. Today I was out for a little while and as I was driving home I thought to myself "I'm looking forward to seeing my baby girl!" What a feeling!
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