I just read J's Christmas post (hopefully she'll put it up soon) (here it finally is!) and I was totally humbled. Humbled because of the joy in her words and the freedom she is now experiencing.
I didn't have an altogether easy Christmas season. Not that I've been deep in the throws of depression again, just that stress and anxiety have pulled at me a little stronger over the last few weeks than I thought - than I hoped - they would while sharing Christmas with family. I had about four good hard meltdowns in just over two weeks and I'm on the brink of another one today.
As I sit here typing, I am listening to my daughter crying and to her father trying to calm her and I am spent. We are all sick this week. A. and I both have a pretty nasty cold and our dear little girl, has Roseola, "baby measles." It's no big deal, apparently every baby gets it, but she is miserable. She has not slept well the last few nights and, as a result, neither have I. This morning she woke up at 0230 and we snuggled, she nursed, we played, we watched some TV, and she cried and cried. Finally I woke A. up at about 0500 and he did his best to support us, but she wouldn't go to him, wouldn't eat, wouldn't nurse, wouldn't snuggle, wouldn't take a bottle. Just cried. Finally I got some "Praise Baby" music up on YouTube (my wonderful mom introduced us to it) and she and I slow-danced in the middle of the dining room until she fell asleep.
Sometimes I think things should be easier now. I shouldn't have meltdowns, I shouldn't feel so down... I should be better. I know that everyone has bad days, but it feels like a glimpse back at my life a few months ago, and it's a little scary. But then I realize, after staying up half the night with my daughter, that I am better. No longer to I feel like running, screaming, shaking, drowning... I feel spent and sad, sometimes anxious, often lonely, but much more in control. And the good times are so much better. I can even get up with Little N. at 0230 in the morning and smile at her, talk and sing and dance with her. And that is good.
This was written January 19th, 2014. Took me a little while to get it up.
I didn't have an altogether easy Christmas season. Not that I've been deep in the throws of depression again, just that stress and anxiety have pulled at me a little stronger over the last few weeks than I thought - than I hoped - they would while sharing Christmas with family. I had about four good hard meltdowns in just over two weeks and I'm on the brink of another one today.
As I sit here typing, I am listening to my daughter crying and to her father trying to calm her and I am spent. We are all sick this week. A. and I both have a pretty nasty cold and our dear little girl, has Roseola, "baby measles." It's no big deal, apparently every baby gets it, but she is miserable. She has not slept well the last few nights and, as a result, neither have I. This morning she woke up at 0230 and we snuggled, she nursed, we played, we watched some TV, and she cried and cried. Finally I woke A. up at about 0500 and he did his best to support us, but she wouldn't go to him, wouldn't eat, wouldn't nurse, wouldn't snuggle, wouldn't take a bottle. Just cried. Finally I got some "Praise Baby" music up on YouTube (my wonderful mom introduced us to it) and she and I slow-danced in the middle of the dining room until she fell asleep.
Sometimes I think things should be easier now. I shouldn't have meltdowns, I shouldn't feel so down... I should be better. I know that everyone has bad days, but it feels like a glimpse back at my life a few months ago, and it's a little scary. But then I realize, after staying up half the night with my daughter, that I am better. No longer to I feel like running, screaming, shaking, drowning... I feel spent and sad, sometimes anxious, often lonely, but much more in control. And the good times are so much better. I can even get up with Little N. at 0230 in the morning and smile at her, talk and sing and dance with her. And that is good.
This was written January 19th, 2014. Took me a little while to get it up.
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